


Sticky Situations

by Sidhe13



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, First ever posted fic, Gen, Misunderstanding, Poor Bruce, batfam, bruce is tired, first ever completed fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:55:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24538060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sidhe13/pseuds/Sidhe13
Summary: Bruce hears a male voice coming from the girls showers in the cave, followed by all kinds of...erm...noises...
Comments: 1
Kudos: 98





	Sticky Situations

It had been a long, cold night patrolling in the snow, and Batman was in a bad mood.

He was the last one back to the cave tonight and headed for the computer to type up his preliminary report. He could feel bruises on top of his bruises as he shifted in the large chair. The insulation in his suit had not been enough to keep the chill out of his bones, and he was glad they had managed to convince Damian to stay home tonight.

His youngest had already been already feeling under the weather and being out tonight in the sleet and wind would have fast tracked the boy to pneumonia. Red Robin's compromised immune system had him sent home first after he let loose a sneeze while his comms were on. He had complained the entire way, but Nightwing threatening to play 'nurse' had him complying. Bruce wasn't sure exactly when Red Hood, Nightwing and Black Bat had come back, or in which order, but the 2 motorcycles were parked, and Black Bat had been patrolling with Nightwing, following up on a lead about a possible old hideout of Harley Quinn's. The sub-zero weather conditions hadn't kept normal crime at bay though, and they had all been busy busting criminals.

Bruce saved his work and stood with a groan, his joints creaking from the cold. He yanked the cowl down and scratching his head and face roughly. Shower and bed. Reading through the rest of the reports and adding more details to his own could wait a few hours.

Bruce wearily made his way towards the showers, dreaming of soaking in hot water, but slowed when he spotted Tim and Jason crouched in the hall leading to the change rooms.

If that wasn't strange enough there was no blood and they were...giggling?

They quickly sobered up as he approached and straightened as if called to attention. Not Joker toxin then. Batmans eyes narrowed in suspicion, but before he could say a word a girlish squeal came from the girls' locker room, followed by a voice that should _definitely_ not be coming from the girls' locker room! Cass was the only person who should be in there and Bruce knew that man's voice, hushed though it was.

He froze, eyes widening in shock

Another high pitched yelp was quickly covered by Dick's mumbling "sorry, sorry, I'm sorry, shit, sorry...he said this would work! I'm sorry. Lets try it a different way..."

"Ow! Stop! Not working!"

"Ok, ok, sorry! Shit! Fuck! I'm stuck, hang on we need more vaseline..."

Jason and Tim were leaning on the wall muffling giggles with their hands. _What is going on in there?_ Bruce's frozen brain struggled to process the situation. He couldn't believe what he was hearing...there were just so many things WRONG with this that he didn't know where to begin unpacking it all!

"A-ha! Almost there!" Dick's voice called.

"No pulling!" That was definitely Cass's voice

"Sweetheart, I have to or we're gonna be stuck like this all night. I'm nearly done...then we can wash all the gooey stuff off."

"Not fun! Don't like this!" Cass sounded close to crying.

Another yelp from Cass and a groan from Dick was the last straw for Bruce. He burst through the door, red-faced and terrified of the compromising position he was about to see his children in.

Dick had Cass bent over the sink and he looked up, forehead wrinkled in...fear? Concern? Confusion?

Before Dick could say anything, Bruce leapt across the room, pulling him away from Cass who gave a sharp wail and fell to the floor. Bruce threw Dick into the wall, pinning him there with a arm on his throat.

 **"What the HELL are you doing, Dick?!"** he roared in his eldest's face.

"Whoa! B! Its not what it looks like!" Dick threw his hands up to the side, and Bruce's sight went red at the open Vaseline jar he was still clutching in one hand.

Bruce pressed his arm harder against Dick's throat. "You're in the cave! _Everyone_ can hear what you were doing! _To your sister!_ She told you to stop! She-"

A small hand on Bruce's arm cut him off and he looked down at it, followed the arm up to Cass's face. He blinked. And looked at Dick, or rather, Dick's clothes. He was wearing them. Clothes. Cass too.

He took a step back, releasing Dick who gasped before launching into a breathless defence.

"She got hit with that sticky web crap Harley and Ivy were experimenting with back in June. They just left it hanging around. It's all tangled up in her hair. Alfred gave her a few things to try and get it out. Like peanut butter and gum...."

Cass nodded grimly, her hand tightening on Bruce's arm. "Sticky. Hurts. Needed help." She had red eyes, and Bruce could see where she had let a tear or two escape.

A loud snort from the door had all three of them turning.

Jason and Tim stood there leaning on the doorway and each other.

Jason raised his own hands at Dick's glare."Sorry man! We didn't get a chance to explain before he busted in here!" He shrugged. "Well, maybewe could have tried a little harder, but _seriously_! Why in hell would we think he would think that you two...." He cut off, waggling his eyebrows with a face-splitting grin.

The reason for Tim's red face became apparent as he let loose a rude noise followed by peals of laughter.

Cass looked back and forth between them, head cocked, forehead wrinkled.

Bruce's face turned a deeper shade of red. "I may have misread the situation..." he mumbled.

"Ya think?!" Dick shot back, shaking his head. "Jesus, B, I don't know what's more insulting. You thinking that I would be doing that with my _sister_ , or that I would _hurt_ _her_..."

Cass's body turned slightly to the side as she added Dick and Bruce to her confused look. As usual, she felt like she was missing an important piece of the conversation.

"Do what? Why so funny? Why so angry?"

Bruce's mouth opened and closed as he considered how best to answer that. Tim and Jason went silent, leaning forward slightly in anticipation.

But Dick sighed loudly in fustration. He wasn't feeling charitable towards Bruce and didn't couch his words. "He thought we were having sex." he told the girl bluntly. "And that it wasn't...going well."

Tim's back hit the wall and his laughter was nearly drowned out by Jason's cackling. Tears began to well in both their eyes.

Dick rolled his eyes at Cass, while Bruce looked like he wanted to fade back into the non-existent shadows. She didn't really understand Tim and Jason's reaction, but whatever. They were all exhausted and they did strange things when they were short on sleep.

Cass gestured back at the running sink. "Done?" she asked Dick.

"Shit, no. Almost. We better hurry up before it gets hard again." He slapped a hand over his own mouth, realising too late the implications of what he had said. Bruce turned and stalked out to the room without a word, stepping over the convulsing pile in the doorway that was Jason and Tim.

Cass just shook her head and walked back to the sink. Her family was so strange sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> I've had stuff in my head for YEARS! DECADES! This is the first time I've ever gotten a complete story out. ITs a bit rough, but it made me chuckle.  
> It was originally written with an OFC, but I changed it to Cass.


End file.
